Gore himself takes up too much energy

first_imgOverheating and overeating: Former Vice President Al Gore, the leading proponent for fighting global warming by decreasing our personal energy use, has been attacked for hypocrisy due to the fact that his Tennessee home uses 20 times what the average household uses. “We’re not talking apples and oranges,” said a Gore spokesman. “Have you seen Mr. Gore lately? His refrigerator alone leaves a carbon footprint that even he would fit in.” All better: Britney Spears left rehab announcing that she’s cured. “It’s pretty much the same three-week program Ted Haggard went through to rehabilitate the gayness out of him,” said a Spears publicist. “She’s probably still going to drink and drug, but at least she’ll be straight when she does.” Now If We Could Only Get The Pistons: With some houses in Detroit selling for less than cars, land developer and L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling is looking to move the Detroit housing market to Los Angeles. “While it would take a pretty big truck to pull all that weight cross-country, it would be easier than trying to find affordable housing in L.A.,” said Sterling. “I know it sounds crazy, but people thought I was crazy when I said the Clippers would win the NBA championship this year.” Doin’ a heckuva job, Albertie: First there was FEMA Director Michael Brown, then there was Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, and now Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has received President Bush’s seal of approval. “I know it looks bad,” said the president’s friend and the man on the hot seat for the questionable firing of eight federal prosecutors. “But on the bright side, even if I am found guilty of letting politics influence the justice system, the Medal of Freedom is a lock.” He (allegedly) shot her on a Monday and her heart’s now still: Legendary record producer Phil Spector went on trial this week for murder in the death of actress Lana Clarkson, and immediately petitioned the court to consider him insane. Employing the rarely used “Da-doo-ron-ron-ron-da-doo-ron-ron” defense, Spector’s attorney pleaded with the judge to “just look at that thing on the top of his head,” pointing to Spector, wearing a Beatles throwback mop-top as opposed to his classic “Sideshow Bob” doo favored by so many crackpot multimillionaires. “Who in his right mind would wear something like that?” said Spector attorney Cash McCall. “Murder you can understand, but walking around with a dead possum on your head? That’s plain nuts.” Retraction: Last week this column reported that Los Angeles City Councilman Dennis Zine had suggested an entertaining plan to get more people to vote by constructing the ballot in the form of “Mad Libs.” I am sorry to say that we got it wrong, and might have insinuated that the councilman thought the election process is something to joke about. Nothing could be farther from the truth. What Zine did suggest to entice more to the polls was that we combine elections with the lottery, giving away $1 million to one lucky voter, $2 million if the winner had voted for Zine. I hope that clears up any misunderstanding. Steve Young is author of “Great Failures of the Extremely Successful” (www.greatfailure.com). 160Want local news?Sign up for the Localist and stay informed Something went wrong. Please try again.subscribeCongratulations! You’re all set! Solved big time: A century-old math problem known as “Lie group E8” has been figured out by a group of 18 mathematicians and computer scientists from the American Institute of Mathematics. Experts say the hand-written answer would cover New York City. “After all these years and all the people who have worked on it, we were shocked to find out the answer was 27,” said mathematician Juan Toothree. “Of course, you’d have to use a skywriting plane and write it really, really big.” War between the Big Stogies: Rush Limbaugh and Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger went big mouth to brawny mouth last week, with El Rushbo calling the Governator a “Democrat in Republican clothing,” and Arnold calling Limbaugh “irrelevant.” Limbaugh then called Schwarzenegger a steroid addict, to which Schwarzenegger calledxx/xx Limbaugh an Oxycontin junkie. It really got bad when Limbaugh called a Schwarzenegger a stupid-head and Schwarzenegger called Limbaugh a pizza-face. To which all their friends said “Oo-ooh.” That’s when the teacher said recess was over and they all had to come back into class. And they said it would never last: This past week marked the fourth anniversary of the war in Iraq, longer than World War I or World War II. Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, who said in 2003 that the war would not last longer than six months, now says that the seeming lengthy duration is really an illusion. “It’s not a case that the Iraq war is so long as much as WWI and WWII were exceptionally short,” said Rummy. “Why isn’t anyone comparing it to the Hundred Years’ War? Now, that’s a long war.” War On Christmas (parades): Organizers of the annual Hollywood Christmas Parade announced that this year’s event is being canceled because of dwindling attendance and sponsor support. “It’s no secret that it’s the far-left secular-progressives who are not attending the parade that caused the cancellation,” said Bill O’Reilly. “But when God-fearing, conservative Christians don’t show up for West Hollywood’s Gay Pride Parade, it doesn’t get canceled … Did I happen to mention my book `Culture Warrior’ is still for sale?” last_img